After each of my first three births I have rushed to capture the birth in words so that the details wouldn’t grow fuzzy.
My fourth child and second daughter was born at 7AM on the last day of March. Today, two days later, I still have not written the story of her birth.
I can’t find words. The words I try to put to the experience fall short each time I try.
I will write the story out eventually.
For now, though I want to say this. Sometimes the heart can want something and the soul can need something that you can’t figure out, can’t explain, can’t logically understand. Your mind may dismiss it, and if you try to think about it being a possibility for you, you might think it to be this impossible impractical thing that just isn’t a part of your life. It’s part of someone else’s story.
Coming up on Wren’s birth I realized that I was scared. I reached out to a doula friend of mine to figure out if there was a way that I might be able to have a doula there with me.
And I did. An amazing woman from Om Mama Jersey Shore Doulas. Chelsea Nicole Alders.
Because she was there, I did not have to be alone while my partner parked the car. I did not have to choose which things would come with me. I had my birthing ball, my bag, all the things I felt I might need to bring me comfort and make things feel safe.
I had become familiar with her, and her with me over the weeks before the birth. She stepped into the role of sister, of mother, of that missing tribe we so often yearn for in moments like these. She held my hand, rubbed my arms, offered sips of water, and spoke to the nurse about the things she knew were important to me. She made it so no one was guessing, and so that I didn’t have to try and explain things while I was trying to focus through contractions.
My OB was wonderful.
The labor nurse was wonderful.
My partner was wonderful.
And my doula was wonderful.
I have been floating along in this wonderful bubble of peace.
Some experiences stand alone on the timeline where they happened.
Some experiences stretch into the future and color parts of our lives going ahead.
And some experiences have the strange power to reach back in time and heal old wounds.
This was one of those experiences.
And… the peace I feel now is indescribable. Giddy. Freeing. Glorious. Beautiful.