One of our recurring topics in our postpartum group, as we watch and witness this transition into motherhood for our new moms is how on Earth do we balance it all. Once upon a time, before children, you felt overwhelmed with work or school or family and all you had to do was go home and hide for a bit, you could take a hot bath or go for a run or walk alone. This was easy space to find, you could essentially hide and no one would find you because your body wasn’t physically required to feed a human or needed as a human pillow or just filled with a chemical compound that seems to induce panic the minute your tiny person is more then 50 feet away.
So, where does this leave us when we are trying to balance parenting, health, marriage/relationships, work, laundry, cooking and all simultaneously holding it together for your entire family. My kids are now 4 (twin boys) and 5.5 (my daughter) and some days, I’m really crushing this whole thing…but somedays it all feels like it’s useless, like it will never all get done so what is the point.
How do we create space for ourselves while also keeping the ecosystem around us balanced and happy? We are still working on the big answer to that, however I know that working it out with these women around me seems to be about 75% of the solution. Since there is no easy answer that anyone can give me or you…working it through out loud and pulling it out of my brain is half the work.
We had a long talk after our group the other day with some of our mom’s that are out of this early baby phase but are now living life with toddlers and older children and realizing, that mom guilt…it doesn’t just go away. No matter what, we are wired to worry about our kids, our families, if we are doing the right thing, if finances will ever be straight, if they can survive on just lentil soup and avocado because we aren’t up for the fight anymore, if I 100% have to throw out all the bleach because its poison (when I’m not sure anything else will save us from two four year old boys that are too short for the toilet), if we chose the right school, how much work is too much, if being an entrepreneur is worth the stress…it’s too much sometimes!
So, this week I want to share that you are far from alone. The most amazing part of this Fourth Trimester Group has been talking about things we otherwise feel guilty even mentioning or can’t even put words to it. So, let’s share a bit about some of the things we have brought up, cried about, laughed about and wrapped up some oxytocin around to move through and heal from. This group has been so essential to so many of us that are there every week and I want to share a bit of the “why.”
Mom’s – They aren’t always the exact person we expect them to be, or maybe the ARE and that triggers all that they were NOT for us. (this applies for dad’s a bit too)
Mother In-Laws – Our best friends on paper and then the most passive aggressive advice givers ever??? How do we always feel like “well she didn’t really say anything but for some reason I feel inadequate”
Dog Stress – OMG, can we talk about the dog stress? We love them so much and they just don’t understand how important it is to not freaking bark the second our babies fall asleep! I remember looking like a serial killer every time someone rang my doorbell! lol
Queefing…Post vaginal delivery exercise woa’s…the strange rickity bones, the weird ligament pains, the wrinkly bellies, the leakage and then wait, what was that noise?
The flashbacks…guys, so real. It took me years to move past some of these. The lighting, looking around at my doctor texting while I was trying to push a baby out, my doula’s eyes fighting so hard for me, my husband’s worry…it would all flash back in little polaroid still frames.
Hormone Dreams – anyone? My husband leaving me with 3 kids, falling off bridges ALL THE TIME, getting stuck in mazes (so telling), and those hot sweats that come along with them.
Enjoying work….OMG I THOUGHT I WOULD HATE BEING AWAY, then I liked it…so now am I a terrible mom?!?
Money – I’ve never been in more of a panic about long term finances. Money just flies out the door and we have all these things to pay for, school and Whole Foods and holy crap why are diapers so expensive???
Relationship Stress – SO fighting is really hard when you have to like mention why you are upset, then there’s a baby or toddler in the room so you then have to smile and be a happy mama but then you passive aggressively make whisper fighting comments or WORSE, We have to discuss and deal with this later because there is no room for this fight in front of our kids. So then, this looming ball of bitchy emotions travels with you for the rest of the day.
NONE OF THIS IS EASY! Guess what, you are far from alone. If you can’t join us on Wednesday’s you can join our facebook group or send emails. Kiah and I are in the business of navigating through chaos to find out what can be done, what helps us all move forward and what tools we already have that will help us learn HOW TO BE MOM’S??? Guess what, it’s not 100% intuitive, some days we are only able to handle one or two things. I wanted to share this interview because her theory on women and mastering only 3 pillars has gotten me through a lot of hard decisions.
Love you ALL…Thanks for reading – Chels